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Today is the: World Contraception Day
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When everyone is arguing about something you solved a long time ago, but won't let you talk...
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Darling, It's not going to fuck itself...
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Club goin' up, on a Tuesday Got your girl in the cut and she choosey
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Nothing brightens up a room like your absence.
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I think Facebook is broken. I put up a status and no one "liked" it even though I refreshed it a few times.
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No one showers and shaves faster than a woman who thinks she's about to get laid.
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Big or small? Pedigreed or rescue? Enough! My dog is a part of my soul. That's all you need to know!
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I dont always lose my phone... ...but when I do, it's always on silent.
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That moment when you give someone advice, they don't listen to you, then you sit back and watch everything you predicted happen.
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Nothing taste as good as skinny feels. Except pizza. Or cake...
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I'm having an "out of money" experience!
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I’m not great at advice, may I interest you in a sarcastic comment?
Failed another job interview today. Apparently taking part in an orgy isn’t proof that I can effectively work as part of a team.
Fuck this, fuck you, fuck everyone. Just fuck this fucking shit, you mother fucker and for all you looking at me fuck off
I have an irrational fear of wasting a good outfit on an insignificant day.
I’m not upset it’s Monday, I’m upset I have to change out of my Pajamas and put my bra back on.
Before you ask someone why they don't like you, ask yourself why you care.
You make me wish I have more middle fingers.
You want to know secret, how I reached high scores on Flappy Bird? I tap the screen with my middle finger.
I wonder if she's still mad at me. Oh wait, she just "liked" my status. We're good.
No one showers and shaves faster than a woman who thinks she's about to get laid.