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Congratulations on losing the weight we were pretending you didn't need to lose.
I hope you like this present better than I did when I received it.
Dear, Wal-Mart mothers, Ignoring your screaming kid will NOT make him/her disappear or stop screaming.
My New Year's resolution is to be more positive and less sarcastic... Like I won't screw that up right away.
Remember last year on St. Patrick's Day? Yeah... Me Neither.
I saw your Tumblr pictures….. You’re getting clothes and a Bible for Christmas.
College - The most expensive party I've ever been to.
I'm excited this Thanksgiving to eat like the 1% and drink like the 99%.
I can't wait to hear your name horribly mispronounced at graduation.
Dear Santa, I'm writing you to let you know that I've been naughty... and it was worth it. You fat, judgmental bastard.