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Happy Thanksgiving, because nothing makes me more thankful than several bottles of wine.
If you need to talk, I will pretend to listen.
Every time I see a cute kid, I remind my self how awesome it is to sleep through the night.
You're cordially invited to witness a large chunk of our parent's saving disappear in a five-hour time span.
If you have a problem with me please write it nicely on a piece of paper, put it in an envelope, fold it up and shove it up your ass.
A real friend is someone who knows how totally crazy you really are, but is still willing to be seen out in public with you.
I'm pretty sure Santa chooses Ho Ho Hos before Bros.
After finishing a TV series my existence has become unbearable and I'm emotionally unstable.
Don't forget that blow jobs are like flowers for men.
The older I get, the more I realize how much I fucking hate people.