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Please text me back so I know when it's a good time to call you to break up.
Please stop wishing upon me...I'm a different kind of star
I'd rather have you stare at my boobs than at your phone on our date.
I'm pretty sure the cops are going to come question me tomorrow, about the wings I just murdered tonight.
MAURY. Helpin hoes find they baby daddy's since 1991!
I have learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is easy and fun.
Happy 24 hours of constant Facebook notifications day.
Moms... The only people who know true meaning of 24/7.
Fine, I'll admit it. You're sorry.
It would be significantly easier to wish you a happy birthday if you were on Facebook