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Thanks for not leaving me on someone's doorstep. Happy Mother's Day.
iTunes has it all wrong. The hottest single of the year is me.
Just wanted to offer my deepest condolences on having to be in a relationship with me.
I'm going to save my resolution for 2015, I think I want to be an asshole for another year.
In honor of Saint Patrick I like to start the day by pouring a pint of Guinness over a big bowl of Lucky Charms.
Sorry I gave you or you gave me genital warts.
Dear Santa, For Christmas I want a fat bank account and a thin body. Please don’t fuck it up like you did last year and the year before ...
Darling, It's not going to fuck itself...
I'm pretty sure God created only 6 days, Monday was definitely made by Satan.
I used to think you took my breath away then i realized I was just being suffocated by your bullshit!