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Dear Mom, I'm sorry about the stretch marks. Happy Mother's Day!
If you were Jesus, today would be Christmas.
It's always better to top off on muffin tits. Never on muffin tops.
I'm kind of lady, but definitely more of a pervert.
The key to a happy marriage is to keep the fights clean and the sex dirty.
Happy Thanksgiving, because nothing makes me more thankful than several bottles of wine.
It's times like this son that I wish I would've left you on the sheets.
I don't believe anything I read on Facebook, including my own status updates.
I'm having an "out of money" experience!
Marriage lets you annoy one special person for the rest of your life.
