Big Or Small? Pedigreed Or Rescue? Enough! My Do eCard

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What do you mean I should be more productive? Do you think this cocktail made itself?
I have an irrational fear of wasting a good outfit on an insignificant day.
Failed another job interview today. Apparently taking part in an orgy isn’t proof that I can effectively work as part of a team.
No one showers and shaves faster than a woman who thinks she's about to get laid.
Sometimes I wish my pet’s could talk, then I remember all the thing’s they’ve seen me do when I’m alone.
I’m not upset it’s Monday, I’m upset I have to change out of my Pajamas and put my bra back on.
That moment when you give someone advice, they don't listen to you, then you sit back and watch everything you predicted happen.
You make me wish I have more middle fingers.
Before you ask someone why they don't like you, ask yourself why you care.
You want to know secret, how I reached high scores on Flappy Bird? I tap the screen with my middle finger.