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Nothing taste as good as skinny feels. Except pizza. Or cake...
When everyone is arguing about something you solved a long time ago, but won't let you talk...
Failed another job interview today. Apparently taking part in an orgy isn’t proof that I can effectively work as part of a team.
I dont always lose my phone... ...but when I do, it's always on silent.
Today is the: World Contraception Day
If I’m still able to walk to the kitchen after sex, you don’t deserve a sandwich.
Now accepting applications for a partner in crime, must have a sense of humor, attention to detail nudity may be required
That moment when you give someone advice, they don't listen to you, then you sit back and watch everything you predicted happen.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear. So I whispered, "Let's go Rangers," in her ear.
I have an irrational fear of wasting a good outfit on an insignificant day.
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