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Know how I know I like you? When I think about you I get all tingly in my special place.
Sometimes when people are talking to me I daydream about what they would do if I suddenly punched them right in the face.
I don’t need Therapy. I have Wine.
I'd do anything to lose 101lbs, except eat healthy and work out.
Some people lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That's where I come in.
I'm pretty sure the cops are going to come question me tomorrow, about the wings I just murdered tonight.
I apologize that being a parent is very hard to fit into your schedule but what I did was canceled my life to make it work
I love everybody, Some I love to be around, some I love to avoid and some I would love to punch in the face.
Dear life, When I asked if my day could get worse, it was a rhetorical question not a challenge.
I don’t want to sound like a badass but, I eject my USB without removing it safely.
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