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I used to care, but now I take a pill for that
The most fun things in life are either immoral, illegal or they make you fat.
I'm pretty sure the cops are going to come question me tomorrow, about the wings I just murdered tonight.
Sometimes when people are talking to me I daydream about what they would do if I suddenly punched them right in the face.
Bitch, I’m not insulting you, I’m describing you.
Narcissism - It's my best friend.
My life is a very complicated drinking game.
It's a bird! It's a plane! No... wait... It's just that flying fuck I don't give.
There is no life without water, because without water there is no coffee and without coffee, I will kill you all :)
My favorite winter activity is going back inside and putting my pajamas on.
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