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The most fun things in life are either immoral, illegal or they make you fat.
My favorite winter activity is going back inside and putting my pajamas on.
A simple way to reduce shower time is masturbating beforehand.
Honey, stop with the lies. Did you forget we know you in real life?
You can't fix stupid, but you can watch it in action on Facebook every day.
Your face looks like a pussy and I'm in the mood for fisting.
My life is a very complicated drinking game.
If you have a problem with me please write it nicely on a piece of paper, put it in an envelope, fold it up and shove it up your ass.
Dear life, When I asked if my day could get worse, it was a rhetorical question not a challenge.
I'm already going to Hell. Now I'm just trying to get a good spot!
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