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Sometimes I wish my pet’s could talk, then I remember all the thing’s they’ve seen me do when I’m alone.
Water is so good when it’s mixed with barley, hops, and yeast.
I'm having an "out of money" experience!
I don’t get how people can have sex on airplanes. Where do they shower and cry when they’re done?
I didn’t invent the word Bitch, I just perfected it.
No one showers and shaves faster than a woman who thinks she's about to get laid.
That moment when you give someone advice, they don't listen to you, then you sit back and watch everything you predicted happen.
Darling, It's not going to fuck itself...
When everyone is arguing about something you solved a long time ago, but won't let you talk...
Club goin' up, on a Tuesday Got your girl in the cut and she choosey
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