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You want to know secret, how I reached high scores on Flappy Bird? I tap the screen with my middle finger.
Nothing brightens up a room like your absence.
No one showers and shaves faster than a woman who thinks she's about to get laid.
I have an irrational fear of wasting a good outfit on an insignificant day.
Today is the: World Contraception Day
I’m not upset it’s Monday, I’m upset I have to change out of my Pajamas and put my bra back on.
I’m not great at advice, may I interest you in a sarcastic comment?
When everyone is arguing about something you solved a long time ago, but won't let you talk...
I wonder if she's still mad at me. Oh wait, she just "liked" my status. We're good.
Now accepting applications for a partner in crime, must have a sense of humor, attention to detail nudity may be required
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