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The older I get, the more I realize how much I fucking hate people.
I'm pretty sure the cops are going to come question me tomorrow, about the wings I just murdered tonight.
You know you're really stressed when you start getting on your own nerves...
Some people lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That's where I come in.
Some people have the calm before the storm. I have the panic before the nothing.
We can't all be princesses, someone has to clap when I walk by.
Honey, stop with the lies. Did you forget we know you in real life?
Dear life, When I asked if my day could get worse, it was a rhetorical question not a challenge.
My life is a very complicated drinking game.
Your face looks like a pussy and I'm in the mood for fisting.
