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Nothing taste as good as skinny feels. Except pizza. Or cake...
Monday must be a man. It comes too quickly.
I dont always lose my phone... ...but when I do, it's always on silent.
When everyone is arguing about something you solved a long time ago, but won't let you talk...
This weekend should be fun...I have absolutely no intention on being good.
I’m not great at advice, may I interest you in a sarcastic comment?
If I’m still able to walk to the kitchen after sex, you don’t deserve a sandwich.
Nothing brightens up a room like your absence.
That moment when you give someone advice, they don't listen to you, then you sit back and watch everything you predicted happen.
You want to know secret, how I reached high scores on Flappy Bird? I tap the screen with my middle finger.
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