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We bought you Crocs to protect your virginity son.
Friends are God’s way of apologizing for family.
When I said that I cleaned my room, I just meant I made a path from the doorway to my bed.
I will break both my arms to succeed in carrying all the groceries into the house in one trip. That's what a real woman does.
Dear Parents, Thank you for giving me a weird name. Sincerely, The child who doesn't have a customized key chain.
Sometimes I look at my husband and think... "Damn, you are one lucky man."
Behind every crazy woman is a man that made her that way.
Never laugh at your wife’s choices….. You are one of them.
Insanity doesn't run in my family. It strolls through getting to know us one at a time.
I’m somewhat of a bullshitter myself, but occasionally, I like to listen to a real pro. Please carry on.
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