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Behind every crazy woman is a man that made her that way.
Dear Parents, Thank you for giving me a weird name. Sincerely, The child who doesn't have a customized key chain.
My family is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you're gonna get but you can be sure there are gonna be some nuts in there somewhere.
My grandma said the Internet has completely ruined people’s ability to communicate properly. I told her she didn’t know fuck about shi...
I'm so hungry I could eat my own cooking.
When I said that I cleaned my room, I just meant I made a path from the doorway to my bed.
It's incredibly easy to balance work & family when you don't care about either one.
Never laugh at your wife’s choices….. You are one of them.
There’s always that one crazy family member who ruins every holiday.
My mom thinks my friends are bad influences but honestly, I'm usually the one coming up with the ideas.
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