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Darling, it was the best 30 seconds, ever. Really.
Thanks for texting me after the hurricane to see if I died.
Thanks for dating someone ugly after me. I win.
Dear liver, Thanks for all the support last night. I couldn't have done it without you!
Your gift was absolutely perfect for someone who's not me.
I don't have a "Honey-Do" list... I have an "I'll-Do-It-My-Fucking- Self" list! And surprise! The shit gets done!
Thanks for going to great lengths to make feel okay about the size of my penis.
Thanks for being my support. You're like a good bra, you always "perk" me up.
I was blessed with an awesome personality, a great ass, and a beautiful face. It just wouldn't be fair to the other girls if God gave me big boo...
Thanks for ignoring all my calls and texts while updating your Facebook every 5 minutes from your phone.
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