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If you pulled your head out of your ass, your life wouldn't seem so shitty.
Life is too short. Never pass up the opportunity to make someone smile, or tell someone they’re a moron.
May your latest relationship last longer than a seal during Shark Week.
Men say a women's place is in the kitchen, just remember, that's where all the knives are.
Wow honey, the house is so clean! Was the internet down for a while today?
Nothing says I LOVE YOU more, than a variety box of prescription drugs.
You're a whore! Case closed.
Oh, Gothenburg is going to be lovely! Just what I need right now ;)
I'd rather have you stare at my boobs than at your phone on our date.
May your life be one day so awesome like you pretend on Facebook :)
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