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4th of July
St. Patrick's Day
Thinking of you
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Nothing that Facebook changes will ever keep me from stalking you.
There is no magic pill. No special shake. No secret diet. Just get off your ass.
Congratulations on probably not dying alone.
Sometimes the first step to forgiveness is understanding the person is a complete idiot.
Let's relax tonight by spending two hours trying to find something to watch on Netfix.
My New Year’s resolution is to be as good-looking as I was last year.
I would be more excited about Valentine's Day if my diet would let me have chocolate or sperm.
Happiness is finding half a bag of gummy bears in the bottom of your purse.
I'm opening a gym called 'Resolutions'. It will have exercise equip- ment in it for the first two weeks and then it turns into a bar for the rem...
Dear, Wal-Mart mothers, Ignoring your screaming kid will NOT make him/her disappear or stop screaming.
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