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Thanks for ignoring all my calls and texts while updating your Facebook every 5 minutes from your phone.
I think I have Alzheimer's because I can't remember when I asked you for your fucking opinion?
It's a bird! It's a plane! No... wait... It's just that flying fuck I don't give.
Thanks for your concern, but no, I'm not sick, dying or sad. I just forgot to put eye makeup on this morning.
Remember last year on St. Patrick's Day? Yeah... Me Neither.
Instead of milk with my cereal I use vodka, and also instead of my cereal I use cranberry juice.
I'm breaking up with my belly fat. Sorry, fat, you're just not looking good anymore.
The best thing about you and me is me.
Dear, Wal-Mart mothers, Ignoring your screaming kid will NOT make him/her disappear or stop screaming.
Money can't buy me happiness, but I'd much rather cry in a mansion.