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4th of July
St. Patrick's Day
Thinking of you
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Sorry in advance for doing a ton of stupid shit.
Thanks for dating someone ugly after me. I win.
I would be more excited about Valentine's Day if my diet would let me have chocolate or sperm.
Dear liver, Thanks for all the support last night. I couldn't have done it without you!
I didn't MEAN to...
Congratulations on defying marriage statistics.
When you are making sure you are on the same page with someone, also be sure that you are in the same book and that all parties know how to read...
I'm a shopaholic on the road to recovery... Just kidding. I'm actually on the road to the mall.
Nothing says the "true meaning of Christmas" like scaring your kids into being good with a creepy Elf on the Shelf.
Bad girls like you don’t go on my naughty list… you go in my little black book.
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