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4th of July
St. Patrick's Day
Thinking of you
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Googling your symptoms when you don't feel well is the most efficient way to convince yourself you're dying.
Thanks for ignoring all my calls and texts while updating your Facebook every 5 minutes from your phone.
I'm always available to discuss your problems via text.
Thanks for going to great lengths to make feel okay about the size of my penis.
Men say a women's place is in the kitchen, just remember, that's where all the knives are.
I'm too busy to tell people how busy I am.
I want to be the reason you look down at your phone and smile.
Dear Parents, Thank you for giving me a weird name. Sincerely, The child who doesn't have a customized key chain.
Congratulations on defying marriage statistics.
Sometimes when people are talking to me I daydream about what they would do if I suddenly punched them right in the face.
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